Getting gas in Koh Phangan

There are two kinds of places you can get gas here in Koh Phangan: Gas stations, and random stores selling it out of crates of glass bottles, for 40-50 baht per liter-ish. So far, I’ve seen a lot more gas bottle shops than real gas stations.

Yesterday was my first time getting gas for my rental scooter - which came with 2 glass bottles of gas, so, less than half a tank. On my way to Zen Beach, I thought maybe I would treat myself to a real gas station.

I pull up, and a girl walks up to me, “cool it’s full service” I think to myself, this should be easy! I open my tank, and tell her I would like some gas, and she speaks to me in Thai, and stares at me blankly when I don’t speak Thai back. I can say about 10 things in Thai, and one of them is “Do you understand english?” She shakes her head. I respond in Thai “I speak Thai just a little, just a little” I hold my thumb and index finger close together to gesture measuring something very small.

She nods, and just stands there patiently waiting. What else could I expect, she doesn’t speak a word of English. Ah ha! I know what to do! I have a special machine for situations like this! I excitedly pull out my phone and open google translate. The attendant is watching with amusement, like she has no idea what I’m trying to do.

Google Translate can get you into trouble

Google Translate has gotten me through all kinds of difficult conversations out here, its pretty amazing, nothing short of magic! I lovingly refer to AI assistants and tech like this as “The magic wizard that lives inside my phone”

With my new found confidence, I dictate into my phone “You speak, and this will tell me what you say”. In anticipation of the magic that is about to come out of my phone, I show it to her, while the voice to text prints out the English words it heard me say, followed by the translation in Thai. If I had to guess her reaction, I might say that she may have never seen this before, and appeared to be studying the screen carefully.

I reel in horror as we both simultaneously see that the magic wizard sees fit to play a joke on me. It captured my speech as “You stink, tell me what you say”. I was so embarrassed, just dying inside, and kicking myself for not waiting to make sure everything worked right before I showed it to her… I turn red, pull my phone away, and start speaking quickly to apologize profusely, while making apologetic gestures. I try to tell the magic wizard in my phone to tell her that this thing made a mistake and I didn’t mean to say that. I must have looked hilarious, flapping flamboyant gestures and speaking quickly in English. If she couldn’t understand what I was saying before, there’s no way she could understand what I was saying now.

Everything everyone has ever said about Thai culture being polite and patient is true. The attendant looked unoffended, and wasn’t even really reacting. She calls over the other guy who works there, and he is able to explain that all she wanted to know was if I wanted to fill it up all the way. I hesitate to decide whether or not I should explain my faux pas to this guy, so he can explain that I did not mean to tell her she stinks.

In my panic, I can’t remember most of our three way conversation, but I was able to get a full tank of gas. In the minute it took to fill up, I was able to collect myself, and realize that the best thing I could do now would be to give her the biggest apology and thank you that I knew how to do. I say sorry several times, which sounds sort of like khǎaw-thôot khrap while giving her my best wai, a formal gesture of respect, combined with a deep bow. I thank her profusely as well. I think she appreciated this, or was amused by it. She definitely understood. What a relief! After all that, she even picks up my fallen glove off the ground and hands it to me, for which I thank her some more.

The simultaneous joy, relief, gratitude, and embarrassment I felt for accidentally saying something very rude to someone, without upsetting them or getting myself into any trouble stuck with me for a while that night.

A valuable lesson was learned. I will be MUCH more careful about how I use google translate in the future.